Never in a Million Years

I want to have a baby.

There.  I said it (ok wrote it) out loud.  I want to have a baby.  For some women, this is a very easy, natural statement.  For others (for example, me), it is a shock to the system to have baby fever and it is hard to admit that you want your own bundle of joy after years of saying 'not no but HELL no.' 

You have to understand, I never thought I would get to this point.  Growing up, I was not the most...'motherly'... little girl on the playground.   I'm sure I had baby dolls, but I do not remember feeling the need to play like I was their mom.  I preferred to dress my Barbies or play with Hot Wheels or craft an awesome soap opera-esque story revolving around the love lives of my stuffed animals. (What...I'm the only one who's stuffed dog Collie married their little sister's stuffed Lady from Lady and The Tramp and then pretended their waterbed was an ocean where tragically Lady drowned leaving Collie to raise their puppies alone?  Yeah right you know every kid tells that story in one way or another...) 

When my older cousins started to have kids, I would go up to the hospital and avoid holding the baby at all costs.  I had no interest and I let everyone in the room know that I would never in a million years have a baby.  Of course they would declare, "Oh you say that now but you will change your mind someday" and look at each other with a knowing smile.  "Psh, you people are crazy.  I will prove you all wrong," I would say defiantly and then huff out of the room to find the hospital cafeteria. 

I maintained that attitude until I was 26.  Then I met my husband Ted and fell in love.  I tell everyone that I knew I loved him when I discovered I would rather stay up all night talking to him instead of sleeping, but that's not exactly the truth.  I knew I was completely head over heels in love with this man when all I wanted was to have his baby one day so we would have a physical manifestation of the love we share. (Who, by the way, will look like Chicken Little)  I'm not going to sugarcoat it - that last sentence makes me cringe a little even to this day.  In fact, I think I hear 15 year old Meredith, 18 year old Meredith, and 23 year old Meredith laughing hysterically at the idiocy of the idea.  But it really is one of the main reasons I knew it was different with Ted.  No other relationship had me imagining my future life in such a way.  I could not imagine sharing something so huge with anyone else ever.

So here we are.  Over 2 years of marriage later and we are trying to have a baby.  Why?  Because we want our Chicken Little to be real and not a figment of our imaginations anymore.  And I'm going to be honest: I'm scared - scared that we won't be able to get pregnant, scared that we may not be as ready as we think we are, scared of what kind of mother I'll be if I am blessed enough to have a baby.  So this blog is my way of breaking through that fear and basking in the joy that this journey can bring.

Were you someone who knew your entire life that you wanted to have a baby?  Or were you like me, did you need to find the right inspiration first?